We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
