Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize