Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
