i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
