Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
