I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
