his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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