Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
