I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you had me at cake vodka
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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