watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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