Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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