I just threw up on my dentist
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
