Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
