god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
