would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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