you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
