pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
