I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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