the new term for farting is butt boxing.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
