Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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