woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
