I cannot find my penis.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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