Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
