there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
