If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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