I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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