I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
