bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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