Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Randomize
