im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
