If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
