his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a search helicopter?!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
