I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
