I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
