i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize