No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
