we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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