I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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