I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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