I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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