I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
