I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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