Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
