Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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