How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
