There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize
