I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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