There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
