It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
