My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
