This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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