You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
