I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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