i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
