please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
