yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
