I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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