I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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