Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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