you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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